I’m not lying or even embellishing. Feel free to check out Time Magazine’s official site and see for yourself.

They cite many of my achievements over the last year. As Americans grew weary of the overproduced drivel on television they increasingly turned to sites like YouTube for entertainment and I was there with my videos from Japan. As Americans sought connection they looked for long lost friends and family on sites like MySpace and I was there, smiling back at them. As Americans rejected corporate news they turned to alternative sources, like blogs, and I was there with the Stanifesto. I haven’t even mentioned the events I’ve added to Upcoming or the links I’ve added to Del.icio.us, but I think you get the idea.

I know what you’re thinking. I wasn’t even aware that Stan was a candidate! I know, right? Honestly, I was a little surprised myself… mostly because, if I qualify for these sorts of contests, why haven’t I won any before?

This year, George Clooney was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for a second time. That’s right, he was chosen back in 1997 as well. Granted, People does have a blog where you can nominate men you know personally (how very 2.0 of them), but are our celebrity stocks so depleted we have to double-dip in the man candy already? That’s like nominating someone with the last name of “Bush” or “Clinton” for president ever again—kind of a big “F-U” to the other 300 million or so Americans who haven’t been tapped yet. Like me.

It’s the same thing with that other big contest, the Nobel Peace Prize. They really need to take Time’s lead and honor me with a golden dove or stick of dynamite or whatever you get when you win. I’m especially qualified as well. Take a look at the list of past winners. I’ve ordered substantially fewer people killed than either Henry Kissinger or Yasser Arafat.

I’ll be submitting my demo reel for Oscar consideration as soon as I have some time to burn a DVD.

It reminds me of how Bush has lived up to his promise of being “a United and not a Divider” by doing more for global democracy than any previous president, namely uniting the world against him. In fact, despite hiding behind the flag (or in front of it, in the case of photo ops), Bush’s seeming contempt for America has ignited in me a patriotism that I thought long extinguished.

Here are just a few things that I love about this country that Bush seems to hate:

1. Three different branches of government that provide checks and balances that hold one another accountable. An incredibly good idea for so many reasons, yet he’s constantly undermining the authority of other branches—or at least whining and calling them names when they dare do their job.
2. Democracy. Yes, as in “the will of the people”. As in “governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.” With a job approval rating of around 30%, the consent of the governed probably has little impact on any decisions in this White House. In fact, I’d bet they think “the governed” have no idea what’s best for this country—and many would agree with them in that belief. It is, however, un-American.
3. Our country is a safe place that treats people with dignity and fairness. The statue of justice is blind, remember? That’s a symbol that the law treats you equally whomever you may be, not a symbol that the law looks the other way while you’re wrongfully abducted and sent to a secret prison or are stuck in Guantanemo Bay for months without ever being charged for a crime.

There needs to be a word for the emotion of simultaneous hilarity and horror, a sort of personal schadenfreude, that could capture the terrific irony of the NeoConservatives being thought of as the party of American Values (much less the Party of Jesus). America is merely a delivery vehicle for power to them.

I recently had a conversation about all of this with my (more conservative than I) step-brother, who is currently teaching English in South Korea. He lives only 50 miles away from North Korea. Still, our last chat went something like this:

“Hey Stan, what’s up in the States. I never hear about anything other than new movies coming out,” he asks.

“I’m kinda bummed about this torture debate.” I say.

“Ha ha…” he laughs.

“No really,” I say.

“What do you mean? Who could possibly be for torture?” he asks.

It was a stunning example of how far we’ve slid in the four years he’s spent overseas. I’m going to have a chance to see him this Thanksgiving, when a bunch of American’s in Asia will be descending on his house (or tiny, tiny apartment rather) for the holidays. We have plenty to be thankful for, like the America we grew up in—and may have again one day.