SHAC is a bit of a legend in activist circles. They believe that animals should be afforded the same rights and liberties that humans are and make the argument in terribly compelling ways. But beyond that, they use extremely effective but very controversial means to make their issue heard. It might mean visiting the personal residences of scientists that perform cruel animal testing and shouting at them with megaphones all day and night. It might mean protesting the New York Stock Exchange with such vehemence as to cause Huntingdon Life Sciences to be de-listed on NYSE. It might mean taping two pieces of black paper end-to-end in a circle and faxing it to Huntingdon Life Sciences, just to use up all of their fax paper and toner.

Ironically, it was this last act that they were finally busted for. Facing a heap of charges from destruction of private property (toner!) to conspiracy, the SHAC 7 were all convicted on felony charges. When asked why they did all of this to save a few animals, they said “I’m sure people through-out history were asked the same question—all this for a Black? Or all this for a Jew? Yes, all this for an animal.”

I went with several other activists to see “Your Mommy Kills Animals” (named for a brochure distributed by PETA) to learn more about SHAC. What we got was an exposé on how animal rights groups all hate eachother and destroy property a lot. However, it was just subtle enough to masquerade as a critical look into what strategies work and which don’t.

The first clue that there might be something awry were these two talking heads that the documentarians kept interspersing right before or after potentially compelling arguments from the very eloquent SHAC 7. They seemed to subtly undercut the logic of the protagonists. The first was David Martosko, of the Center for Consumer Freedom, and the second Iain Murray, of the Competitive Enterprise Institute. These are Right Wing think-tanks that basically get paid to spew bullshit for video cameras. CEI, as I may have mentioned before, are the brains behind those fabulous “Carbon Dioxide: They call it pollution, we call it life!” commercials.

It turns out the producer of “Your Mommy Kills Animals”, Curt Johnson, has also produced “Michael Moore Hates America” back in 2004 and his next film is called “Devil’s Weed”, described as “a documentary that examines the loss of civil liberties associated with the public smoking ban in Minneapolis, Minnesota.” Co-producing is Maura Flynn of the David Horowitz Freedom Center. Yes, a loss of civil liberties… We all recall Amendment 7: “Congress shall make no law preventing you from smoking in bars.” I wonder if we lost that with the Patriot Act?

There were other moments that made me doubt the film’s sincerity, like the poor music choices (I’m sorry, busting out Rage Against the Machine for a movie supposedly made in the last few years?) and the repeated use of the most violent and confrontational footage they had. It all came unraveled when I was talking to two animal rights activist friends who had wanted to go see it and asked me about some parts of the movement that I soon realized were obviously glaring omissions in the documentary. Clearly, its point was not to plant the seeds of knowledge in those looking to learn more about animal rights, but to sow the seeds on dissent within the movement itself. To the animal welfare people, it showed a crazy and out-of-control animal rights faction. To the animal rights people, it showed a hypocritical and ineffectual animal welfare industry. The Sea Shepherds hate SHAC for being young punks, SHAC hates PETA for selling-out, everyone hates ALF because they threaten people’s lives.

This is not the case, while I’m sure that everyone gravitates to organizations most in line with their own politics, most of the organizations I know more than casually understand the “spectrum theory” of activism. More radical groups need less radical groups to act respectable in order to negotiate, less radical groups need more radical groups to provide pressure to bring power-holders to the table. The animal rights movement is the same way. Even if “Your Mommy Kills Animals” tries to deceive you into thinking they’re at each other’s throats, if you go to the SHAC site and check out their links page, the very first one is to PETA.

This is the first of a few posts I’m robo-blogging from Burning Man. I wrote it last week and set it to go off today.

The Oscars are just around the corner. I know this because there are advertisements for the broadcast on every corner in San Francisco. The ad strategy consists entirely of large famous movie quotes (memes, if you prefer that nomenclature), like “I coulda been a contender!” or “May the Force be with you.” It has a done a great job of reminding me how movies were so much better decades ago (On the Waterfront was ‘59, and Star Wars: A New Hope was ‘77).

Black Snake Moan will probably not be nominated for anything shiny anytime soon. Nonetheless, while I have not seen any more than the trailer, I’m already excited. Though the title itself (from an old blues song) is vastly more ambiguous that Samuel L. Jackson’s last flick, the plot seems to be relatively easy to summarize:

1. There exists a skanky ho.
2. Skanky ho gets chained up until she learns to be less skanky.
3. Profit.

The brilliance of this movie is not in its compelling narrative, multi-dimensional characters, or rich cinematography (granted I have not seen the movie and these may well be brilliant as well). No, it’s all about social relevance—relevance to the extreme of necessity. The “Black Snake Moan” treatment is precisely what America needs. Clearly, our celebrities are out of control. Can you honestly say that Britney would not benefit from some serious de-skankification? She needs chains… strong chains.

All that’s left is to come up with a good term for the process of getting chained up until you’re less skanky. My first thought was perhaps, “Blacksnaked.” As in, “I hear you’re Blacksnaking Nicole Richie this weekend, can I watch?” I then briefly toyed with “Chain-trained.” As in, “Yes, she’s pretty, but is she chain-trained?” But I eventually settled on “Moaned.” As in, “Damn girl, you needs get Moaned in a powerful way.” Until the movie actually comes out and Mr. Jackson bellows that perfect phrase to rival, “May the Force be with you.”, let’s leave it at that.

Start spreading the news.

It’s possible, but not probable, that’s I’m just an out-of-touch curmudgeon completely unable to see any value in what “The Kids” are into these days. I don’t believe this to be the case, however, as I just watched an episode of MTV’s “The Hills” and, while it’s loathsome content left me pining for the days that MTV played videos (who didn’t see that criticism coming?), I still found it’s concept compelling. Documenting the dangerously petty lifestyles of Hollywood socialites is something I’m not sure even Steve Irwin would’ve been able to handle.

No, “Epic Movie” is wrong, wrong, wrong for a different reason. Watching a movie that makes a mockery of other movies, like Snakes on a Plane, Nacho Libre, or even X-Men: The Last Stand presupposes that the source material was not a mockery, something which cannot be said for any of those movies. In fact, seeing posters up around town of Pirate Captain Jack Swallows [sic] running from cannibals only suggests to me, “Look! We cannibalized a bunch of movies!” Do they think they’re being clever by making a funny movie by taking scenes from other funny movies? Like someone will think, “What a great idea! Just take other peoples’ great ideas!”

You can’t spoof a spoof. You look stupid trying.

That won’t keep people from going to see it, and even laughing at some parts, but I meant what I said about it being a milestone. Movies cost money and Hollywood has long since stopped being anything other than a business, if it ever were. The concept of “franchises” is not unique to the silver screen, though they perhaps exploit them most overtly. Wade through all the marketing and the thinking comes down to this, “Why take a chance on a movie people have never seen before?” It seems that “Epic Movie” has decided to take that question (which already turns my stomach) quite literally.

“Epic Movie” is a symptom of a much larger problem, like many things that suck are. Our mental space, just like our physical, is being knowingly polluted, for profit. It’s easy to see when raw sewage is being dumped in your backyard. It’s not as easy when the same waste is being dumped straight into your conscious or sub-conscious mind. I’m not willing to commit one way or another on whether projects like “Epic Movie” are systematic efforts to reduce the range of thought of which we’re capable, but some sort of decolonization needs to happen internally—and hopefully then spread to our theaters.

Seriously, this thing looks like an SNL episode.